- Every day between three and fifteen different children will approach me with pails constructed from empty tomato tins and coat hangers. They ask for money. I smile, say "no, but have a nice day", and move on.
- Venders try to sell me things, often physically (I have inadvertently ended up wearing bracelets, necklaces, shawls, shoes...), and I again smile, remove the item for sale from my body, and say - more forcefully here - "Non, merci."
- My aunts push another pile of rice into my portion of the bowl just as they see me beginning to get up from dinner. I smile and say "Jerejef, surna!" (Thank you, I'm full!)
- My brother asks if I'll lend money. Going with SIT's warnings about lending money to femily members (tricky, usually doesn't return), I say "No, sorry. "
According to me, I handled all these situations in a fine manner. According to Senegal, I am rude. Multiple Senegalese have explained to me a concept of "respect" for situations like these that I myself find completely disrespectful: false hope.
One should never say "No", as that is rude and harsh. One should, instead, leave the possibility open...let them believe that someday you have the intention of following through with the thing you don't wish to do at present. This is common courtesy. It also goes against my upbringing and grates on my sense of open honesty. I do not say things that I don't intend to follow through on, and yet this culture demands it.
How does anything get done around here? How do you know when anyone is truly speaking their mind or when they're just trying to appease you? Can you really believe someone when thay make a statement of their intentions and then follow it with "Inchalla"? (if god wills it) Everything is thought to be slightly preordained, or at least in direct connection to the whims of a god whose characteristics and humor I have yet to comprehend.
As I write this, my own words are screaming back at me "American!" ...well...yes. I am. So how do I fit this all together? Honesty without disrespect, adaptation without a loss of my own values...
oy. I'm working on it.
posted by Meg at 9:10 AM
9 Comments:
Sweet Meg,
The struggle...on all levels...is gold. Good for you for recognizing the values clash. Good for you for seeking to hold them in the same vessel...yours (cherished) and your new culture's. This is the right question.
Saw "The Constant Gardener" tonight--set in Africa. Powerful. Moving. Nauseated as I left. And feeling deep empathy/hope/connection with you.
Love and joy, It's been a beautiful fall day--blue sky, now crisp and cool eve. The aspens are still green. Dad's in the kitchen cooking egg breakfast for 100 (remember, the dad who loves big food, big challenges...just like his beloved daughter!) Couldn't imagine loving you more...
sun, moon (full tonight) stars,
Momma
As the D.A.R.E. slogan went: "Just say no!" Maybe this whole Senegalese ettiquette of not really saying no will rub off. Then when I come back to Midd, I can get you to say "yes" or make promises that'll be great...like...um...my mind is blank. I'll think of something. Really.
Strange. A friend and I had a conversation about this, and seemed to go in the other direction.
Here in the States, when panhandlers ask for money, most people say, "No, sorry." We decided that since we are in fact NOT sorry about not giving money to them, we just say, "No."
Does that make us rude? I don't think so. I think it's an honest response to a rude and unwanted request for money that I've earned and they haven't.
If a drug dealer offered me some crack, I wouldn't say, "No, sorry" or "Maybe next time, God willing." And panhandlers aren't even offering crack. They just want my money.
Now there's a bit of selfish and greedy American thinking. Our ideal "self-made man" probably doesn't apply in a country where everything (even meals) are a communal event. Sometimes the poor are too poor to work; you need clothes and food to do that. So they have to depend on the kindness of (rich foreigner) strangers. The false(?) hope of the 'maybe later, inchallah' approach may be the only hope keeping them going.
And what's the exchange rate? Can you transition a percentage of your tithing into actually helping to provide food for the poor? Sounds like a pretty worthy cause.
Meg -
Somehow the longer you're gone, the less settled I am with your absence. Go figure. Beautiful entries by the way....I would be lying if I said they hadn't brought tears to my eyes more than once.
heart,
Hayley
Side note - the person across from me is cussing loudly at the computer without warning. I'm trying to pretend I'm not here....
Meg,
Your voice was a balm this morn. Hope ours for you, too. What a sweet way to begin our Monday morning! I'm sorry I haven't sent the addresses sooner. Busy, as usual! Their on your email now.
Love and hugs,
Mumsy
Mollans; Hello! So good to hear from you, and happy birthday to justin and Ellie! Much love, always.
Mumsy: SOOOO GOOD to talk to you today! Thanks for the addresses! Let's start planning our trip...
Sannie: Now now, no taking advantage of my culture shock when I return. Watch out, or I'll find out something about Germany's gift-giving patterns or something...
Anonymous Users: Interesting thoughts, both of you. I find myself more in line with the thoughts of the second.
... Who are you?
Hayley: Agreed. I miss you. In response to the cussing stranger, try hiding behind his computer and responding to the curses in your best insulted computer voice.
Meg - I, personally, do not subscribe to the idea that all cultural practices are equally valid and meritorious. I believe there IS a heirarchy of values and I value the one of truth, kindly spoken, over that of disembling and pretense. I've been hearing a lot lately from Cambodian refugees to this country who contrast their national culture of saving face, not being candid,keeping your head below that of another of higher rank, etc. with their new American-learned approach of honesty without self-consciousness and the relief they say they now feel. So that is my thought for the day to you from Grandmother Young with the hope it will be helpful.
Hi Meg!
Wanted to say hello and to tell you that we all miss you at MIDD Relay! The sun is shining in VT and still feels like summer. Take care and see you soon.
Always,
DSJ
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